How programming languages would kill a dragon

This was taken and edited from oracle’s blog and toggl who make a time tracking app.

Toggl adds that if their time tracking app is as accurate as they think it is their part took exactly 7 hours, 30 minuets and 46 seconds to create, or, in other words, less time than assembly took to find that missing semicolon.

Java – Gets there, finds the dragon, develops a framework for dragon annihilation with multiple layers, writes several articles about the framework… But doesn’t actually kill the dragon.

.NET – Gets there, sees the idea of the Java developer and copies it. Tries to kill the dragon, but the monster eats him.

C – Arrives, looks down at the dragon, pulls out his sword, beheads the dragon, finds the princess… and ignores her to check the latest logins of linux kernel cvs.

C++ – Creates a basic needle, and gathers functionality until he has a complex sword that he can barely understand… He kills the dragon, but gets stuck crossing the bridge because of memory leaks.

C# – Sets all references to the dragon to null. The dragon appears to be gone… But with non-deterministic garbage collection can you ever be sure the dragon is really dead?

COBOL – Arrives, sees the dragon and thinks that he is too old to kill a monster that big and rescuing the princess, so he leaves.

Fortran – Arrives and develops a 45-thousand-code-line-solution, kills the dragon, meets the princess… But she decides he is too old and runs after the Java programmer who was elegant, and also rich.

Pascal – He prepares for 10 years to create a dragon annihilation system… When the moment comes, he discovers the program can only take lizards as an entry.

VB – Builds a dragon destruction weapon based on several components, jumps to the back of the dragon and just as he is about to plunge his sword into the dragons back he discovers that the sword works only on rainy nights…

PL/SQL – Gets data from other dragon slayers, creates tables with n ternary complexity relations, tridimensional data, OLAP, takes 15 years to process the information… By the time they have finished the princes has died of age.

Ruby – Arrives with massive fame, saying they are the best at anything but when they face the dragon, they just show a lame motion picture of them killing a dragon… The dragon eats him out of boredom.

Scratch – Boasts about their Turing completeness but realises that they can not kill the dragon as they need system interaction, so they decided to play that dragon a animation of them killing the dragon… And suffer the same fate as the Ruby programmer.

Batch: Had a dragon slaying implement but Microsoft deprecated it to give it to the VB.

Smalltalk – Arrives, analyses the dragon and princess, turns around and leaves, they are way too inferior.

Swift: They have a NSDragon class but to implement it they need a 500 line of code extension to insure stability. Just as they finished apple released another dragon.

shell – Creates a very powerful dragon slaying weapon… But in the moment of truth, he can’t remember how to use it.

shell(2)– approaches the dragon with a two line script that kills, cuts, disembowels, impales, chops to pieces and packs the beast, but when they run it the script grows, it fattens, irritates and puts alcohol in the fire of the dragon…

Scala: Their horse has crashed.

Assembler – Turns up bosting about how efficient they are… But writes an A instead of a D and kills the princess to end up marrying the dragon.

FOX PRO – Develops a dragon killing system. It’s gorgeous and works on the outside, but it’s really patched inside, so when he runs the dragon annihilator, he realizes he forgot to index the DBFs.

PROCESS ANALYST – Approaches the dragon with two tons of documentation, develops the unified dragon-killing process, he develops a DFD to free the princess and marry her, convinces the dragon that it’s the best for him and it won’t hurt. When he executes the process, he estimates the effort and the damage he will cause with a plan signed by the Pope, Buddha and Michael Jackson. Then he buys a couple of nukes, 45 cannons, an aircraft carrier and hires 300 heavily armed men… When all he needed was the sword he was holding in his hand in the beginning…

CLIPPER: Sets up a routine that loads a codeblock array to insult the dragon, serenade the princess, load the sword in memory, kill the dragon, clean up the mess, prepare a
raspberry milkshake for the princess, marry her, take a bath, start the car, put it some gas and come back home. When he runs it, he gets a “Bound Error: Array Access” and the dragon eats him with fries.

Lisp, where the famous knight-errant, after speaking with numerous experts in dragon-killing, and modelling the knowledge they possess, he programs the system, and when he runs it he realizes he forgot a bracket (bender the offender).

HTML: Mounts a web on famous swords used to kill dragons, but he ignores the W3C standards. When he meets the dragon, he finds out the code isn’t compatible with his browser, so he’s left swordless. The dragon eats him as an appetizer.

HTML and CSS: They try covering the dragon with a highly flammable blanket. Now everything has caught fire and the body of their web page is no longer inheriting vertical centring.

Prolog: Thinks he needs a weapon to kill the dragon. Searches in a catalogue for 182014 weapons. By the time the princess dies of her age, he’s achieved to know how to make every weapon starting with A: Atomic Bombs, Anti-Air Weapons, Arches, Ammunition, Axes…

PHP: Creates a web page that when executed will eliminate the $dragon selecting from a weapons database in MySQL over an Apache server. Nevertheless they forgot the WHERE in the DELETE query and kills the princess, the dragon, the peasants, the witch, the sorcerer and them self.

Python: You arrive with a wide selection of reptile slaying tools but when confronted with the dragon that they only work on small lizards.

JavaScript: The programmer creates a script that will delete the dragon when they load a webpage and to create, seconds after, some damsels to throw flowers at them and make clapping sounds. Unfortunately They don’t take into account the DOM structure of the lizard, also known as Mozilla, and the only thing they get is a console full of errors and the Book of Mozilla telling them how they was devoured.

ActiveX: The programmers create a tunnel to enter the dragon’s lair from the castle and run a program that will kill the dragon from a safe and prudential distance. The dragon discovers the tunnel, eats the workers who dug, the dragon slayers, and enslaves every servant in the castle. The castle becomes a dragon nest, full of little dragons that the dragon sends in pop-ups to other castles. The untasty remains of the knights are put in cans of Spam and sent to other castles as well as a warning. (aquelquesiente)

Basic. They create a weapon able to kill paper dragons, but no matter how they improve it, they discover it’s not good enough to kill any dragon bigger than a large rat.

Matlab: They create a loop that calculates the trajectories to shoot a giant arrow at the dragon. The program works flawlessly. What they need now are the voluntaries cable to launch that arrow with the necessary strength and accuracy.

Minecraft: Creates a program that repeatedly deletes the nearest living thing but fails to ensure it only kills mobs and gets killed along with the dragon and is unable to respawn because the program is still running. They can’t remember where they put the backups.

Videogame Programmer: Spends two years programming a state-of-the-art sword with shaders and all. When the time comes to kill the dragon, he finds that half the knights aren’t strong enough to raise the sword. Then someone programs a patch that reveals the profanities makes it a scandal.

Lua: They have a incredibly powerful and effective dragon killing weapon… But no ammo. SuperB0y9120 has the last of the bullets bit they have just logged off and the programmer doesn’t know his address, real name or what he looks like.

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